Wish I Could Be Here/or There-i don't know

            I don’t know folks are things REALLY ever as they seem in the movies or TV shows? I watch some shows and there seems to be some idealistic place with colourful friendly characters that I would love to move to. I have seen/and still watch stuff like:- “Northern Exposure,” “Local Hero,” “Hamish Macbeth,” and think that I would love to pack my bag (yes bag-I don’t need much) and retreat to one of  these wonderful little places where I will be welcomed with open arms and hugs that are as good as Carolyn’s . Take it from me folks Carolyn gives REALLY good hugs.SOOO good you don’t want to let go.And it is a let down when she lets go-cos there is no way that I want to let go first!!Yeah my idea of heaven would have to include a hug from Carolyn.

Even in the soaps new characters just walk into the local grotty pub and before closing time they are bosom buddies with practically everybody.

           Yeah,my dream location is  a small village with no wi-fi ANYWHERE, No television. You have to make an eight mile trip for any internet connection. A radio station like  KBHR in Northern Exposure. I would love to do a show like Chris in the Morning. I could call it Gerdy Rambles On. I would also need a Maggie character too, someone I would call by her surname and she too would call me by my surname and we would have the whole love hate relationship and people would be wondering about the whole are they/aren’t they-will they/won’t they  thing.

Back to “local hero” I like the idea of the weekly Ceilidh for the trad music and characters at it.

Of course today in the real world it doesn’t quite work like that. I would be treated with some suspicion and it would take a while before I would be accepted by the community-pity.

But knowing MY luck the place that I land in would be like  Sumerisle , or even like “the village”  in “The Prisoner” or even Royston Vassey (can anybody remember that show  without going into a search engine-I remembered the show but had to search on the village name).

            So is that too much to ask for? A hugger like Carolyn, a sparring partner like O’Connell, KBHR,no wi-fi and friendly colourful people, weekly Ceilidh,  OH! And the phone box like in “Local Hero” and Jenny Seagrove in the wet suit too… and a hugger like Carolyn (I know, I know !! but boys do I miss her hugs). Cue the music from “Local Hero” and picture of the village with the phone in the phone box ringing…

dark side-i think

There is a radio show called “Desert Island Discs.” The idea of it is that you are a castaway on a desert island. You are there alone and for the rest of your life. It is mostly an interview in which you sometimes find out some interesting things about the castaway. He/She picks eight pieces of music that are important to them. Not necessary just 8 pieces of music that MEAN something to them-so it’s not as easy as you think. They are also given the bible and the complete works of Shakespeare (pretty obvious this is an English show), they are allowed another book and a luxury item. The luxury item is always interesting/amusing. One person choose a football and wall to kick it up against,one person had a diy manual an another had a lifetime supply of toothbrushes and toothpaste. They are asked how they think they could manage on their own.THEN they are told a big wave comes and they must save ONE record and are told to say which record they save. I subscribe to a podcast of this show.

                    Now where is this going? You may WELL ask that. I’m NOT going to do my desert island discs. But this is my Desert Island Butterflys. Recently I have been pondering on mistakes I have made in my life and wondering how things would have turned out if I had done something else.I have been watching quite a few movies based around that theme:- “It’s A Wonderful Life,” “About Time,” “Mr Nobody” and “The Butterfly Effect.”At the time of tying this I have only seen the directors cut of the butterfly effect-and it is pretty, no- change that to VERY dark. So it may have been a mistake watching THAT one. And “Mr Nobody” was PREEETY strange most of the time.Sometimes I wonder, should I be worried about this little “obsession?” I have of the whole butterfly effect thing, and get help?

                 I’ve often wondered how things would have been if when I was a child our house was in a different estate, but that is not really relevant here. So here are 8 butterflys-and ,sacred mother of Cody Jarrett there are more.

1. I made a bigger effort to stay left handed (I mention this one quite a bit-broken record here-I was born left handed. I was forced to use my right hand before I went to school). I read/heard that when some is made to do this the left had side of the brain is working overtime as the “wrong hand” is being used. Maybe I would have not have struggled so much at school.
2. Another one I mentioned before-a couple of teachers at school convinced me that I was stupid-so with the whole self-fulfilling prophesy I believed them and just gave up trying . Did TERRIBLE at exams etc. (-what would have happened if I decided to work my nadgers off and did my best to prove them wrong)
3. My social circle is almost none existent. I feel I chose the wrong friends in life. (when I was at school I did not join the youth club. There were a number of idiotic reasons I did not do that. If I had joined the youth club I think I would have been reacquainted with some of my primary school friends-who were much better than the ones at secondary school)
4. When I had my doubts about my faith I should have brushed them to one side rather than spoke to a born again Christian friend. What happened  after doing this led to me hurting members of my family BIG time. I did one thing that I still feel very bad/guilty about, even though it happened 33 years ago. (so as I said I should just brushed those feelings of doubt to one side. And I should have spoke to my younger brother and said to HIM that things were pretty screwed up and could he introduce me to his bunch of friends as I need to get a proper life)
5. This one kind of relates to others above. I chose the wrong friends. I almost always felt I was on the outside looking in. The person who I thought was my best friend of some 40 odd years, moved to Scotland 10 years ago and told everybody EXCEPT me, at the time. I only heard through a 3^rd party, and I was laughed at, at my ignorance/shock when I heard this. But then I also previously  heard only through a 3^rd party when his father died,his daughter got married and a few others. But in saying that he got me into the cycling and planted/nutured my love for the outdoors.The group of friends I was with back then were all B.A. Christians, so we never went to pubs,discos the big rock festivals (in fact I was the only one into that sort of stuff) Never went on “wild” holidays etc
6. Taking a transfer from Belfast to Coleraine in 1980. (the office I got moved to was small and boring,internal squabbles. Belfast was bigger and better people. I should have turned it down and either stayed on or waited for a move to an office in Derry). OK Belfast was not exactly as peaceful as it is now-but still, much better work crowd-good enough to socialise with.
7. I took a career break in the 90’s and went over to London. Hated it. (but did not try hard enough looking for work.Should have tried different types of work).Wonder how things would have gone if I did not do that-or even tried harder over there.
8. Back to school again –when I should have been starting my 4^th year at the grammar school (high school people in the REAL world) the headmaster decided that I was not ready for it and wanted me to repeat 3^rd year again. he told me to speak to my parents to see what they thought. The class I was kept back in was “hell” for me. I have wondered if I was allowed to do proper move how things would have turned out.

So if the “wave” comes and I am told to pick ONE thing that I can change what would it be?  I have got it down to two –joining the youth club and/or talking to my brother during the question of faith thing. Down to one? Talking to the brother-at least there I would not be carrying a guilty conscious.

BUT at the end of the movie “Mr Nobody” Nemo says “Every path is the right path.Everything could have been anything else,and it would have just as much meaning.” And I actually wrote that down when I saw the movie.

I’ve often wondered-stars are other suns, so there are (supposedly) other universes up there? Are they parallel universes where I have made different choices??

Paul Arden in his book “Whatever you Think,Think the Opposite” said “When things go wrong it’s tempting to shift the blame.Don’t.  Accept responsibility.” So yes it IS entirely my fault, nobody to blame here but myself.

Maybe there is a me up there who is having more fun or even more miserable than this me? And another quote?

“Hello, my name is Ignigo Montano, you killed my father. Prepare to die.”

TIME TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST AGAIN

my old grammar school year had a reunion recently, forty years since leaving. Now for me this is a pretty complicated story. I DID start there the same year as the rest of them BUT I was made to re-sit my third year there. After that my life there went from bad to worse. For a start I did not blend in with the new class and I lost touch with the old class. I KNOW it was the same school, but they were now a different year, the more senior side of the school. Some of you already know that at least two of the teachers there convinced me that I was stupid, so I just gave up trying. Some of the other boys in the class tended to pick on me (I am not particularly tall) so I felt a real outsider and kept very much to myself. This carried on for the next three years.The most miserable three years of my life. It was not until I was in my early 30s before I decided to prove those teachers wrong-and I did. Think that’s why I have the “What if I had made an effort to prove those teachers wrong back then?”

      I only heard about the reunion through a photo of the group in a local newspaper. I did not recognise any of them until I came across a blog about the event (ah the power of the demons that are called Google and my curiosity) If it were not for the name tags I don’t think I would have recognised 90% of them. Now a cousin of mine was there AND the woman who organised the whole thing only lives down the road from me (I had to talk with her on the phone about something else recently and she never commented on my not being there either). Even if I WAS invited I would have turned it down. They dragged out some of the old teachers for the occasion, including one of the aforementioned bad ones. So WHY am I moaning about this? I hear some of you asked. It’s the whole Gerdy Principle thing. With my warped humour I might even have gone and refused to remember anybody. I would even have excused myself during the starter and just have left and gone home unannounced. Would have avoided any photos too. I did put a comment on the blog page-nothing sarcastic or degrading. I got a kind of apology and was told they are planning another meet up later in year and are passing round all the email addresses –curious to see if anybody remembers me. To be honest there is just one of them I would like to hear from (believe it or not), he is now a parish priest over in Donegal.

   Technically I am also eligible for my repeat year’s reunion too. I really DO hope I get an invite to that one-only because it will give great joy ticking the no box for that one. Mind you they’ll have trouble tracking me down.

     Thought just came into my head-there was not that many happy faces in the group photo. Any ways I think even watching “Britain’s Got Talent” or “Winning Streak” would have been better than an evening with either of that lot.

      And my “What if?” list-boys but I could go on for an hour or two about that.

what's it all about then? answers please

As I type this I am wondering why I am doing that Creative Path course thing. I have no idea what has possessed me in starting this. At least it is getting me out of the house and meeting people. I think “block” is an understatement for my “daily pages”

But then according to the book there is no right way/wrong way of doing these things.

But I am trying to make an effort to do the exercises and all that.

          Anyway- I digress. I am almost a month into my new lifestyle. For a number of reasons my plans have gone to pot. Think the main ones are the inclement weather tinged with a bit of procrastination and lethargy. I was really hoping I could kick start my love of reading again-but that is proving to be pretty difficult for some reason. Thankfully I am NOT sitting staring at a computer screen-although I must admit another of my plans is to learn to use Lightroom and Elements better.

            Have not bothered seeing about the voluntary work yet, because I was told that I need to get used to my new routine first-I still feel I am annual leave. In fact this afternoon it felt like Sunday (today is Monday). I actually did think I had to go to work tomorrow-although this thought only lasted for a few seconds.

              Think I said before the one thing I miss about work is the company and the craic. But when I was doing one of my many lists, the things I am glad to miss actually outnumber the things I am sorry to miss. No doubt when I do look for the voluntary thing-the team thing is most important to me.

                Did I mention about the fortune teller I went to when I was in Camden Town? I’ll just say the “usual” –now I don’t believe this sort of stuff. But she did say the usual stuff. Stuff that was rubbish and stuff that “you want to hear” It was a palm reading. Before she started she said she needed to know my name and age. She asked me my name at least 3 times. When she asked me what I did for a living I told I got out of work on an early retirement deal-she asked me why did I take it? She then told me that I had a pretty serious illness when I was 50. HUH? I never had a day off work sick in over 20 years. THEN she said that something I have a passion for will make me lots of money. Now I have a passion for helping people-how will THAT make me money. Unless she was referring to the photography-but I very much doubt that. She asked me if I was married, or was I ever married (and I thought the whole palm thing would have told her that), when I said no-she said that a woman from my past, that I have not seen in a long time was going to come back into my life and there will be a long, happy and passionate relationship-she gave me the impression it was somebody I used to work with. Must admit I have that narrowed down to about two-but one of them I would hide if I saw her coming towards me.

                In the Creative Path course we have to do “daily pages,” in which we start the day by writing three A4 pages of –basically anything. There is no right or wrong way to do it AND we are not to re-read what we write, just file it away. I was thinking, well at least it will help me improve my writing-and does it? No chance. I have noticed that as I get near the end of the last page my writing speeds up.

                The ramblers are off to the Mournes this weekend-hope the weather improves and the food in foodplace is good-and there is some music in the pub. Gonna get a map so I can do a decent write up this time.Just heard weather forecast-not a good one-ah well-early night in pub now maybe?

And STILL to lazy to spellcheck this

            

Serious page so just prepare yourselves

Well I am not even a week into my new lifestyle and here I am blathering on about it already. If anybody has seen/heard any of this before, I’m sorry. Any new readers out there, expect me to digress every once in a while a give off about something (And when I do this I change the type colour). This is a blog that I tend to give off about things, get things off my chest, In fact my very first blog here got a great many things out of my system and actually made one reader weep-I have deleted that one-think I said too much.And  I'm either too lazy or in a hurry to check over this-OH! to have time to put hidden messages in these things. Subliminal messages THAT would be great fun!

      ANY WAYS when some people heard I was going for the early exit/early retirement, call it what you want. One of the first things that was said to me was “make a bucket list.” But the first thing  that I did BEFORE I applied for what was generally a “no-brainer” was I worked out all the pros and cons of my decision. The pros outnumbered the cons, but there was actually a few cons. Now, in no particular order-well apart from maybe the first one:-

1. I will miss the people. I was in a dam fine office. OK some people in there were not the best to work with. But I am lucky and I get on with most anybody. I go out of my way to find the good in people. Being nice is far less effort than being nasty.

(I have been in this office 15 years. I have moved around a fair bit in my work time. When I got this one I decided that this was it-no more moves.Thankfully this office was one of the best I was in. One of the reasons I decided to ask for the move was unrequited love for a woman I worked with. Bit like Jim and Pam in “The Office”-only this one did not have the happy ending that one did-ANY WAY)

2. I will miss the unwinding. Seriously you know that sigh of relief you get on a Friday when you finish work, knowing that you have the weekend to look forward too. Even on a Monday. For me 2pm on a Monday was the downhill ride to the weekend.
3. The routine-even though you don’t like the routine of getting up,getting ready for work and all that is a routine you get used to.
4. The getting back into work mode at the end of a break/weekend. That one barely makes sense to me.Think it’s something to do with the looking forward to another weekend/holiday.
5. The people-ok I know I said that before. I like being around people. The company, and audience for my terrible jokes and one-liners.

The pros on the other hand were much longer-not enough room here for that (well slight exaggeration). Main one was –maybe I’ll get my crazy fecked up life sorted out. Some people get the impression that I am this carefree/trouble less (one person I know thinks I’m very confident) . This couldn’t be further from the truth. At work I could very easily face the most awkward, rude, loud customer on the phone or face to face-ask me to go up to a woman I really like and ask her out? I would see running across a busy motorway as less risky. I’m going to see about CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) maybe sitting down and talking with a professional might get some things sorted.

(Usually I have to be drunk before I open up and talk. Last person I did this with turned out to be a prospective bunny-boiler, a psycho. Seriously- my sister in law and two of her friends warned me that my life was in danger being with her-and advised me to stop going out with her-but when we started going out I was at an all time low-was at the time of the aforementioned unrequited love incident. She (aka Barmy Brenda) suggested putting in for a transfer-although I never mentioned the unrequited bit to her. Mind you Brenda had the most gorgeous brown eyes I have ever seen-well apart form my mammy’s –f**k up you Freudians out there)

But recently I kind of did open up (not what yous think) to someone and this led me to talking to my sister.

Bucket lists can be too long and have too much pressure on you. And usually have things you know will never get done-but look nice on a list. Only realistic goals get done. Overly ambitious goals are discouraging; because they are so fecking lofty we will never reach them. And when deadlines are set in the future we feel we have all the time in the world, so we never get started.

So I’m doing my bucket list in batches of three

1. Get my fecked up life into some sort of order.
2. Find my smile again
3. ? fecked if I know-think that’s enough so far.

      

      And, yes. I HAVE once or twice (that’s all) wondered if that unrequited love was actually returned-where I be or what I’d be doing now.Don't think i'd be leaving such a good office mind you.

Thanks for making it this far-comments, suggestions welcomed.

the end approaches...

Well the day is almost here. Tuesday 31^st March 2015 , I am finishing work. To be honest I don’t think it has hit me yet. I know I will have to retire some day, but I never thought I’d get a chance to get out early. It IS something I have always wanted to do, and now I am doing it, I can’t get my head round it.

Somebody told me that it could be 3 or 4 weeks before I realize that I am not just off on leave- that I am off for good. Somebody else told me it could be months or even a year before it kicks in.

Luckily I am pretty fit and active-so I’ll get it plenty of cycling and rambling. I’ll be able to read more,listen to the radio, listen to records/cds, learn to use my camera/lightroom programme better. I have signed up for a 24 week Creative Arts course. Of course the whole people contact thing is very important, so I’ll be checking out some voluntary work. The ones at work want me to visit them every so often-but I’m not sure about that. I’ll keep in touch by email and/or if they can find me I’ll friend them on Facebook.

The going away gift has got me a little perturbed, I don’t need anything. I’m not big into possessions –an inscribed pen would do me rightly, and I DID actually suggest that-“is that all?” was the response. I DID hear two things they thought of getting-but thankfully (I hope) they did not get-an ice pick for my rambling. I am NEVER in a situation I would need that, and a gps for my bike-I got one of them once, but I threw it from me after 2 weeks. I love getting lost and not knowing how many miles,average speed, altitude and all that.

Today I heard that my manager wants the staff at work to wear t-shirts saying “I heart Gerdy” (can’t do the emoticon). She comes up with some strange ideas. Apparently the females in the office are for this. But my supervisor knows I would cringe and do a runner if they came in like that.

My sister has suggested that I take myself away somewhere for a weekend-so I am off to London for 3 nights. Oddly enough the 2 places I want to see was the same 2 that she mentioned. Brick Lane and Camden Town. I also hope to catch some live music too. Later in year I hope to get away somewhere a bit more further away.

Some other people said that I should make a bucket list too. I think one of the things on it is to get my act together and sort some things out. Maybe after that I’ll stick on the traditional things-but I will NOT be getting a tattoo or be doing a bungee jump. Or check over these things...

and so it begins...

Well folks the countdown has begun. I got the letter confirming my date of  exit-and the rules. Even though I will have left the civil service I am still bound under the official secrets act, data protection and all that. So that’s messed up my memoirs plans-  a book and movie (straight to dvd of course). As I type this there is a month to go.

They want to have several functions/lunches before I go. But I don’t like those sort of things-I do my best to avoid them and am usually first to leave, before they bring the tea/coffee at the end. I think at mine I’ll make an exit like Michael Paré did in the movie “Streets of Fire”(mind you, if they get a Diane Lane lookalike to do that song,dressed as she was I might stay on a bit longer)

 Usually at these things they dig out “faces from the past” to make surprise appearances. My supervisor knows I don’t want any fuss and he has promised me that. But he says the rest of the office want an evening thing-don’t want to brag but I actually am well liked in the office. There is a section lunch next week-just the ones in the section I work in. I think my supervisor wants to slip in 2 or 3 of these lunches too.  I can handle them as they are during working hours-but the night time ones-no thank you. I’m sorry that I am leaving an office that I actually like, only because if it was one that I did NOT like, I could give a speech they’ll remember. I have agreed to a night at the 10 pin bowling. A woman at work said she would like to go to the play area in there too. Y'know climb things, fall into loads of balls,slides etc -I'm all for that too.

One of the big bosses has suggested that I do a bucket list –which will make a good blog.

The enormity of this has not hit me yet. Somebody said to me that it’ll kick in after my third week off-he said it’ll then hit me, that I am not on leave and that I don’t need to go back to work on Monday.

To start my permanent week of Saturday’s I am off to London for 3 nights-everything is booked. Want to see Camden Town and Brick Lane, some second bookshops, museum, and some sights. And work on my bucket list/plans. I also hope to get out to DC in a more cycling friendly time to meet up with Marni and (hopefully) a group, and get out into the countryside and hopefully see small town America-and get in some rambling too.Might even break my rules and send them the odd postcard of my travels.

Any ideas for my bucket list most welcome-little trival ones too. But I am NOT doing a bungee jump. Would like to try REAL Chinese food too.

Might even find time to check these things too...

To be continued…