the end approaches...

Well the day is almost here. Tuesday 31^st March 2015 , I am finishing work. To be honest I don’t think it has hit me yet. I know I will have to retire some day, but I never thought I’d get a chance to get out early. It IS something I have always wanted to do, and now I am doing it, I can’t get my head round it.

Somebody told me that it could be 3 or 4 weeks before I realize that I am not just off on leave- that I am off for good. Somebody else told me it could be months or even a year before it kicks in.

Luckily I am pretty fit and active-so I’ll get it plenty of cycling and rambling. I’ll be able to read more,listen to the radio, listen to records/cds, learn to use my camera/lightroom programme better. I have signed up for a 24 week Creative Arts course. Of course the whole people contact thing is very important, so I’ll be checking out some voluntary work. The ones at work want me to visit them every so often-but I’m not sure about that. I’ll keep in touch by email and/or if they can find me I’ll friend them on Facebook.

The going away gift has got me a little perturbed, I don’t need anything. I’m not big into possessions –an inscribed pen would do me rightly, and I DID actually suggest that-“is that all?” was the response. I DID hear two things they thought of getting-but thankfully (I hope) they did not get-an ice pick for my rambling. I am NEVER in a situation I would need that, and a gps for my bike-I got one of them once, but I threw it from me after 2 weeks. I love getting lost and not knowing how many miles,average speed, altitude and all that.

Today I heard that my manager wants the staff at work to wear t-shirts saying “I heart Gerdy” (can’t do the emoticon). She comes up with some strange ideas. Apparently the females in the office are for this. But my supervisor knows I would cringe and do a runner if they came in like that.

My sister has suggested that I take myself away somewhere for a weekend-so I am off to London for 3 nights. Oddly enough the 2 places I want to see was the same 2 that she mentioned. Brick Lane and Camden Town. I also hope to catch some live music too. Later in year I hope to get away somewhere a bit more further away.

Some other people said that I should make a bucket list too. I think one of the things on it is to get my act together and sort some things out. Maybe after that I’ll stick on the traditional things-but I will NOT be getting a tattoo or be doing a bungee jump. Or check over these things...

and so it begins...

Well folks the countdown has begun. I got the letter confirming my date of  exit-and the rules. Even though I will have left the civil service I am still bound under the official secrets act, data protection and all that. So that’s messed up my memoirs plans-  a book and movie (straight to dvd of course). As I type this there is a month to go.

They want to have several functions/lunches before I go. But I don’t like those sort of things-I do my best to avoid them and am usually first to leave, before they bring the tea/coffee at the end. I think at mine I’ll make an exit like Michael Paré did in the movie “Streets of Fire”(mind you, if they get a Diane Lane lookalike to do that song,dressed as she was I might stay on a bit longer)

 Usually at these things they dig out “faces from the past” to make surprise appearances. My supervisor knows I don’t want any fuss and he has promised me that. But he says the rest of the office want an evening thing-don’t want to brag but I actually am well liked in the office. There is a section lunch next week-just the ones in the section I work in. I think my supervisor wants to slip in 2 or 3 of these lunches too.  I can handle them as they are during working hours-but the night time ones-no thank you. I’m sorry that I am leaving an office that I actually like, only because if it was one that I did NOT like, I could give a speech they’ll remember. I have agreed to a night at the 10 pin bowling. A woman at work said she would like to go to the play area in there too. Y'know climb things, fall into loads of balls,slides etc -I'm all for that too.

One of the big bosses has suggested that I do a bucket list –which will make a good blog.

The enormity of this has not hit me yet. Somebody said to me that it’ll kick in after my third week off-he said it’ll then hit me, that I am not on leave and that I don’t need to go back to work on Monday.

To start my permanent week of Saturday’s I am off to London for 3 nights-everything is booked. Want to see Camden Town and Brick Lane, some second bookshops, museum, and some sights. And work on my bucket list/plans. I also hope to get out to DC in a more cycling friendly time to meet up with Marni and (hopefully) a group, and get out into the countryside and hopefully see small town America-and get in some rambling too.Might even break my rules and send them the odd postcard of my travels.

Any ideas for my bucket list most welcome-little trival ones too. But I am NOT doing a bungee jump. Would like to try REAL Chinese food too.

Might even find time to check these things too...

To be continued…

and i'm back

It’s  been a while since I stuck anything on here, there are a few reasons the other blog “the crabbit man rambles” seems to be taking up more time (if you want a link Alyson just ask me), I was waiting for news back from a doctor about something (more later) and I just did not want to type in anything that was on my mind.

   I have had a few little lumps on my arms and one foot since I was about 12 or 13. It was only when I was 23 or 24 when I decided to find out what these things were, as one seemed to be getting bigger and another was growing. The dermatologist told me that it a thing called neurofibromatiosis , and that it was hereditary (but I knew of nobody else in my family with this), and that if I got it removed the scar would be worse looking than the bump and that it could grow back again. So I decided to leave it. Now, some months ago I was playing with my (then) 2 ½ year old niece who was starting to say words I could recognise (which is more than you say from me talking to non-irish people), and she pointed to my big bump and said “what’s that?” So that was it- I decided it’s time to get this removed. Now –sorry I forgot, a few years ago I thought I saw one of these things growing on my neck, and if I cut it when shaving it bled for a few hours, so I got it removed. The dermatologist said is was another of the Nf things and took it out. A few weeks later I got a letter saying that he was wrong and it WASN’T the nf as he thought, it was a type of birthmark ( a capillary haemangioma) and there was a possibility and there was a chance it could recur. This was in 2006 and it’s not back yet. And YES I know what you’re thinking.

    In October 2014 I got the big one taken out. I saw another dermatologist who seemed to be convinced that it was NOT the Nf, but did not say what it was. I took a photo of it before I went in. Now a very pretty blonde nurse was chatting to me throughout the procedure, the arm was numbed up, she said “can you feel anything?” I said “feel what?” and she gave the thumbs up to the doctor. The whole thing was incredibly painless and quick. And I do have a pretty cool looking scar-ahhh the stories I can tell the chicks now!

I am still waiting to get word back telling me what it was, so I can chat with my GP to see it it is worth while getting the others out, and if the blonde nurse will be on duty that day too. I’m just curious to see what the results say. I give blood and they won’t take any more until we hear what it was. I have a pretty rare blood group too AB+ the doctor at the session said “as you have the rare blood type, there is never that big a demand for it.” –can you imagine how that made me feel?

            We were given an “early exit” voluntary redundancy offer at work. And for me it was just too good not to say yes-a no brainer  as they say. The money is enough to keep me going until my pension starts-and even then I get a nice little extra bit along with the pension. So I am looking forward to chilling out for a long time. I am currently on leave. When I go back I have only 2 months before I am out of there for good. You know before you go off on leave, your last day is a kind of “wind down” thing? Now when I go back next week-this’ll be the “wind down” to beat them all. I DO have a few ideas to pass the time, I don’t think I’ll be bored very much.

To be continued…and maybe i'll time to check these things too

The Very Serious One Part Two

Well it has arrived. 

The letter with an appointment to get my bump/ thing removed. The appointment is surprisingly very soon, I seriously thought I would get a bit more notice. The date for the knife job is Friday 17^th October 2014 AD at  1:00 pm (13:00)  ONE O O PM? WHAT SORT OF TIME IS THAT? I was hoping for 4 or 5  pm ( that’s 16:00 OR 17:00 for those of you who use mobile/cell phones to tell the time).  I could have quietly slipped our of work saying nothing (quietly slipped out of work saying nothing-is that a double negative?) .I wanted to say nothing and see if anybody noticed anything-NOW I have to leave at an odd time-or else take the day off-more on that later. Now I CAN cancel the appointment and book another one –but if I do that I know I just won’t bother with a new one-or just keep putting this off-after all, apart from pretty off putting to look at what harm is it doing?

Now the way the letter is worded has left me afraid-very afraid. It does not mention whether I am getting a general or a local anaesthetic (God bless the guy who suggested putting a spell checker on my lap top). And it’s the notes about the general anaesthetic that scare me-I have to have someone with me to drive me home and to have somebody keep an eye on me for 24 hours after being discharged. I can think of at least 2 or 3 people I would LIKE to do this job. It also said that “very occasionally an overnight stay is necessary.” I can think of much much more important cases than me needing an overnight stay. I am always reading of REAL patients lying on trolleys for a day(or longer) waiting for a bed

Now there IS a phone number for questions-and I AM going to phone first thing tomorrow.

On the other hand-the fact that I may have to stay in overnight will give me a very good excuse to nip into a certain bookshop and get a couple of books “just in case.”(and the answer is yes to THAT question).

And the worst, the very worst thing about this is…it’s the same lunatic who pulled at it furiously the other night there. I can see him sitting there in the place where they do  cigarette in mouth with a Stanley knife, bottle of detol ,a packet of band aids and a 3 year old copy of “Dermatology for Dummies” with a couple of post its sticking out.

But I suppose what I am most on about was –I wanted to be quiet and secretive about it. Now it looks like it’s not the in there ,snip snip,pat on the head and out again job as I thought.

To be continued/concluded...

sorry folks VERY serious one-will be deleted pretty quickly-suggestions helpful

Let’s  see, now where do I start this? Right, I remember when I was 12 or 13 I was getting some jag (shot, injection-call it what you want). Oh just remembered there may be some rough words in this-depends how angry/mixed up I am when I type certain parts, to emphasise I will put what was going on in my in red in brackets ( like this ok?) ok? it’ll make a point. I digress-back to the story. The shot was a stamp circle thing that rose after a while if you were ok. When the doctor jabbed me hr noticed a little lump on my arm-“hmm “ he said and circled it with a ball-point and said –“Don’t be washing that off.” I thought nothing of it. Over the years this little lump grew, but I never thought of seeing a doctor about it. But I was pretty aware of it. It was only when I was in my mid to late 20s did I think about doing something. I was sent to a dermatologist. He looked at and told me I had a something called neurofibromatosis and it was hereditary. When asking back home I discovered that nobody else had this-nor did any of my 2 sisters and 4 brothers. He also told me that if I were to have children the chances of me passing this on was 2:1. By now I had at 2 more of these lumps –one on my other arm (not as big or visible as the first one) and one between 2 toes on my right foot. I call this my sixth toe (incidentally only one person other than the doctor has seen this…Carolyn, who I met on the cycling/irish language holiday). I was told that if I got the big one removed it would leave a scar and may grow again. I have been with the dermatologist twice since then- on the 3^rd visit I was told by a new dr. the surgery would be pretty complex and my arm would be permanently numb but “I would get used to it.” ( now, I take the verb contrary to new levels-believe you me, I would go out of my way to make sure I would not get used to it.) So I thought I’ll just live with it.

Fast forward to pretty recently. Some family members have pointed to my main lump and have asked me “Is that thing getting bigger?” I would say no-but on looking at it I wondered if they were right. I have also noticed what I think is another one starting. This was becoming an obsession with me and I have started seeing what I fear is other ones starting. Now I have seen a couple of TV shows with people who have this thing much, much worse than me. If I had children and passed this thing on to anybody I would never forgive or be able to live with myself-so I just avoid that possibility.

     My brother has a wee girl who is just passed her 2^nd birthday and she is starting to say words I recognise. One day she grabbed my arm, pointed at my bump and said “What’s that?” the first time I understand what she is saying is that. So that got me thinking, maybe I SHOULD do something.

So, appointment is made with a new dermatologist. My appointment was for 18:15 but I was not seen until 19:40. He was reading my medical notes –and then prodded my big bump with the nib of his pen –there is now blue pen marks on my bump. Then he grabbed it tight with his finger and thumb and pulled it back and forward ( holy mother of God he is going to burst this fecking thing) “That hurts “ I said. Then HE said “You do not have neurofibromatosis, that is just a blocked up sweat gland.” 

“What?”  “You do not have neurofibromatosis, that is just a blocked up sweat gland.” 

“But TWO other dermatologists have told me that is neurofibromatosis . That has been hanging round my neck for the past 30 odd years, and now you are telling me this?” He then said “Yes, I will book you in to get it removed.”  “But what risks are involved?” I said “What about the numbing?” He said “No numbing-very simple procedure, cut it out, over in 15 minute.” Pause “Then we will know what it is” (I am wondering what the feck is going here? I want to ask him if he is a real doctor or if he is in a hurry to get home.).  “But you just TOLD me what it was” “We will knw when we take it out” (but the other bloody doctors KNEW almost immediately what it friggin’ was-are you even a dermatologist? Have been given the wrong specialist?) I was in a kind of state of bewilderment “But TWO other doctors have told me this IS neuro… and now you’re saying you don’t know?” My bump was still a bit sore from his grab. He said that the appointment would be in a few days time. At times I felt like I was in one of those shows like the office and I was looking for a camera to look into and give a puzzled look.

So now I am pondering on two/three things- do I call my own doctor and ask for a second opinion (saying why of course)? Do I go to the surgeon and ask him/her about the risks involved, and the risks seem too much, I’ll say “I’ve changed my mind.” (knowing MY luck the specialist will actually be him and he’ll be standing there with a stanely knife,a bottle of tcp and a band-aid).

But seriously you do not know the weight this thing has been on my mind all these years. I thought I had one on my throat, I got it removed-turned out it was something else-maybe these things are something else too. But if one of these things DID manage to grow somewhere I could not hide it-I fear what I would do.But again, if I find out he’s right and it IS just a blocked up sweatgland….I need to make up for lost time.

I could show you a photo of it-but sometimes I find it very scary myself.

Sorry folks that was a VERY serious one-REALLY  needed to get that out of my system

To end on a brighter note –we had a boring serious course at work. There was 3 or 4 one liners that I just could not resist. At then of it a few people came over to me laughing saying “Crumbs, you were on form today all right” and told the others in the office what I said. Nice to see I’m good at something.

Are You Insane?

The good, the bad and the whatever you make it. This is another of them ones were you decide what goes where.

         I’m not in a particularly good place at the moment folks. I know things could be a heck of a lot worse, and I’m sure a literally countless number of people would kick me in the nadgers and ask to swap places with me. And I KNOW talking’s good and all that, but when I have talked in the past, things usually got worst, or nothing happened.  

Two people I know who are very good friends appear to have had a very bad falling out, which is a shame. I am jealous of these two and wish I had a good friendship like these two have. Too be honest, with the small circle of friends that I have I could not trust any of them to discuss a problem with. Life is far too fucking short for grudges. I had a big falling out with a very good friend (I blame his wife and Amway actually)-there’s a long story about this one. We did make up after a while-but things are not quite the same (this happened almost 20 years ago) THEN about 9 or 10 years a go he packed his bags and moved to Scotland and he told EVERYBODY except me-I only heard through a 3^rd party about 2 weeks before he moved.I DID hold a grudge about this, but after a week of his leaving I sent him a letter (a hand written one) wishing him all the best and thanking him for introducing and nurturing my love for cycling and the outdoors. Since then I (and someone else) go over there once a year for a weekend cycling. Last year on one of those trips when the 2 of us were alone he apologized for not telling me about his move to Scotland. I told him there was no need as I had forgotten all about that. Mind you, I STILL tone things done when she is about.So you two-sort this out, so I can keep on being jealous of yous.

I am smitten by the woman who runs my favourite bookshop in Derry. Now I have great chats with her when I go in there. She is a poet and I bought a copy of her great little book. She gave me a free copy a cd with her on it too. She has a little typewriter museum in her  shop. The last time I was in she lent me a copy of her own favourite poetry book (with some cds) –and said that she trusted me to take care of it. When she gave it to me, she fondly wiped it clean with a cloth. And I thought “wow-she really treasures this.” I told her of a CD that I have – “Up A Tree”- Looper, which has an incredible piece on it, that is almost a poem called “Impossible Things #2” that has the sound of a typewriter going through it, and that I was thinking about it on the way over-and that I’ll lend her my copy when she is open again on Wednesday. When I came out with one of my one-liners she remarked to as customer she likes my sense of humour. Now I can guess what some of you are saying, and I am going to quote Xander-or was it Chandler (never saw the answers) “Tell her I like her? Are you insane?” and “I don’t handle rejection well, funny considering all the practice I’ve had.” And there is a 13-14 year age gap, she smokes -but that gap is the main worry.

Any ways, like I said before a very good friend that you can talk too/listen too is a Godsend and for those of you who have friends like that I am so, so  jealous of yous –put any troubles you have behind you,sort things out-and if yous can’t you have my condolences. And if I have angered/annoyed anyone here I am sorry.

Saving up for a new camera, my niece/god daughter is trying to get me to buy one that is almost £2000 –the one I want is just over £800. I can see one of her reasons for getting the expensive one, but I can see her sweet talking her uncle gerdy into lending her his new expensive camera. I hate to admit it, with a bit of a push I could save for that one by Christmas-but to be honest the difference could almost pay for another trip to the states or even  Galway.

OK? Now I’m off to drown my sorrows in a Hank Williams song or two.

And here’s “Impossible Things #2” I think this is £$%%$!! Amazing. If yous don’t like I don’t care-if she does not like it, I don’t know what I saw in her anyway. Ignore the dreadful video this has nowt to do with the group-just listen to it.

An Update

The Bad

OK have to be honest here-I am in a really low form. Tomorrow 5^th September 2015 AD I was to be heading off to Galway (I love this city-a real feel good thing about it) for an early start to my 2015 ICS holiday. Then on the Saturday I was getting the bus to Killarney to do one of my top 3 ICS trips-the ring of kerry/dingle. I had promised myself a trip over to the majestic Blasket Islands this time AND I discovered that one of my rock idols from the 80s was playing there on the Saturday night (Lloyd Cole –Lloyd Cole and the Commotions). This route is particularly hilly, and as 4 or 5 of you know-I love the hills. I was getting in some extra training to get my climbing legs into order (to impress cute American birds as I dart up them big hills in the hardest gear, and of course being Irish I HAD to be at the top before any English cyclists). And after the week was over I was back to Galway for another two nights.

THEN about a week later I was over to another favourite part of my lovely country-Donegal for a photography weekend. I done my homework for this one and discovered that I WILL learn new stuff and maybe also get a question that is bugging me –“Is a full frame sensor worth the extra money, or will the new 70d do just as well, much cheaper and maybe enough left over for a new lens?” I know and love the locations on this trip and maybe this will encourage me to get up early/ make an effort to travel to get photos at the magic hours.

BUT I was feeling so bad about a few things I decided to cancel both trips. On the cycling holiday I lost 50% of the cost-if I had left this 2 days later I would have lost 100% . The photography weekend I have lost 100%-as my dropping out dropped the figures below the minimum the whole weekend had to be cancelled. One person got a refund and the other go moved on to another one in Wicklow next month. I was told that if I want I can do the Wicklow one instead-I am thinking about this. If I can fir in a Dublin stay at start/end of this one I may do the swap. I heard that Echo and the Bunnymen are in Dublin next month, now if there are still tickets and it is on at the right time-that will make up big time for the other disaster

Still not on great form-but doing my best not to let it control me.

The Good

Instead of Galway-tomorrow I am off to Glen Colmcille with my little Rambling Group-well to be honest 2 other members of the group. But my 2 favourite-the craic will be mighty. I have been over here a few times, so I’ll be able to show them some extra bits and the possibility of a majestic new walk to be done later. Unfortunately (Marni). The great little restaurant beside the Odias Gael is shut “for the season.”And with the 2 other people on this trip we will get great mileage out of the ice-cream/toilet joke –you’ll have to ask me privately to explain that one , seriously –this one is very funny.

I’m thinking of restarting the Irish Language classes-and this time I will make a bigger effort to attend the classes.

The good?????? For some reason I cannot get the movie “Streets of Fire” out of head-especially that final song. Thirty years later I STILL think Diane Lane (crumbs she’s superman’s mum) is wearing that frock back to front. This film is so tacky and cliché packed it is great-I have found and ordered a cheap copy of it on dvd. And I would love to make an exit like Michael Paré does (and that blonde in the car would be an added bonus).Ry Cooder had a hand in the soundtrack-and there are some pretty good songs in it-oddly enough from what I remember the bad guys had the best songs.Now am I the only person who remembers this movie