i might regret this one-but who reads these any way?

Down

There’s a saying that really gets on my goat, one that I hear a lot-and surprisingly a lot, and I mean A LOT of people believe in this and quote it regularly, what is it? I hear one or two of you mumble…well, here it is-in its glory-“What goes around, comes around.” The “just world theory” the karma thing. It’s been proven wrong many times-but as I said loads of people believe in it. Take it from me; it is a load of claptrap. In reality, bad behavior often goes unpunished and good behavior unrewarded. I have seen quite a few nasty people get away with blue murder and even have successful lives out of it, yet other people who bend over backwards and give up a lot to help other people don’t get as much as a thank you.

Mortality seems to be on my mind a lot-what happens next? and all that. I’m somewhat agnostic and like to think there is something there. For some reason I have stopped playing cds/records by artists who are no longer alive-with the exception of Hank Williams. Why Hank? I don’t know-I’ve always said that if there was a movie about my life Hank Williams would be the soundtrack stuff. Hank has many songs that can relate to many aspects of my life. Foolishly I am dwelling on the past far too much. Spilt milk, this is the first day of the rest of your life and that-but sorry I seem to have found a comfort zone in self pity and all that. 

The world in general is pretty much getting me down. Well to be precise, MY world in general. Just one knock back after another. Nothing I seem to be doing to improve my meaningless little life seems to be working, and I really do feel like giving up and just take a back seat and watch the world go by, at least that way I’ll get no more knock backs. In the short lived TV series “Dead Like Me.” (pardon the puns, but quirky that it was, I knew it would not have a long lifespan-but it WOULD have been nice, if it had a proper ending). The main character had a very cynical attitude (no wonder I liked her)-one of her quotes was “Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation begets disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest.” Of course the optimists of the world say things like “Quitters never win, and winners never quit.” Again-claptrap. Sometimes on a Friday when work ends I wish I could just be unplugged and cease to exist until Monday morning when work starts again.

There is another saying that when people are on their death beds they regret the things they did not do, as opposed to things that they DID do. Well I have a long list of bad things that I did do-I am trying to amend some of them-but not doing very well.

I wished I had the courage to sit down and actually talk with somebody. But to be honest I don’t feel strong enough or trust anybody enough. I have noticed that when I am drunk I tend to drop my defensive's and open up. Which is probably why I try hard not to get drunk. But in saying that one woman I went out and got drunk with, and opened up to, turned out to be a potential bunny boiler, a psychopath-my sister-in-law and one of her friends pointed this out to me-and said if I kept on seeing her, I would be putting my life in danger…I took there advice. The relationship never got anywhere-which I realize was a good thing (insert slashing big knife emoticon). Despite being the nutter that she was, talking with the bunny boiler in training actually helped…a little.

The 21^st century-there is just too bloody much to do. Back when I were a lad. Before the internet,the quickness of computers,digital photography, video recorders, and all that stuff…I had more time to do the things I loved.We only had 3 television channels-so if there was nothing on I could read a book or listen to radio-if I missed a programme –I would ask somebody the next day.But now-if you you can record programmes-even days after it was originally on,you can record several programmes at once now. At night when I am trying to read a book-I am wondering about news items breaking on the internet, and if there are any new additions to other things on the internet, and I quickly get distracted.

UP

The Gerdymobile and Saiorse- my 2 bikes-touring bike and mountain bike. These are the things that help me keep my head above water. One year I was at a really low point, and some people were genuinely worried about me. If wasn’t for the Saturday mountain bike ride, I would never have survived. There is a song by Luka Bloom-“the acoustic motorbike” which is all about a cycle ride in Kerry. This sums up the whole meaning of cycling to me.

The Rambling-never thought I would say it but the rambling is starting to overtake the cycling. Gonna try a rambling holiday this year instead of the usual ICS one. I think it will be a Donegal one –as I seem too meet the nicest people there.(I've met mice people in other places too-but Donegal seems to be the best place)

I have decided that I am going to dedicate at least 2 hours a night to reading. And also try to have 2 nights a week in which I do not look at the internet/laptop. If I make one of those days Sunday(ramble day)-well I need not say anymore there.

The whatever

The days are sunnier and warmer-this means I will soon have to stop wearing my bobbly hats-with women it is shoes, with me it’s the bobbly hats. It confuses everyone at work when I come in wearing different ones every week. Happiness is a tight bobbly hat-that’s what  I say. Maybe I should start wearing hats like the Heisenberg persona in “Breaking Bad?”

I have a theory, that if we were locked in a room with no windows or connection with the outside world or any idea of the time we would live a 48 hour day (maybe more). I would love to get a chance to try this out. Joinees welcome