Let’s see, now where
do I start this? Right, I remember when I was 12 or 13 I was getting some jag
(shot, injection-call it what you want). Oh just remembered there may be some
rough words in this-depends how angry/mixed up I am when I type certain parts,
to emphasise I will put what was going on in my in red in brackets ( like this ok?) ok? it’ll make a point. I digress-back
to the story. The shot was a stamp circle thing that rose after a while if you
were ok. When the doctor jabbed me hr noticed a little lump on my arm-“hmm “ he
said and circled it with a ball-point and said –“Don’t be washing that off.” I
thought nothing of it. Over the years this little lump grew, but I never
thought of seeing a doctor about it. But I was pretty aware of it. It was only
when I was in my mid to late 20s did I think about doing something. I was sent
to a dermatologist. He looked at and told me I had a something called
neurofibromatosis and it was hereditary. When asking back home I discovered
that nobody else had this-nor did any of my 2 sisters and 4 brothers. He also
told me that if I were to have children the chances of me passing this on was
2:1. By now I had at 2 more of these lumps –one on my other arm (not as big or
visible as the first one) and one between 2 toes on my right foot. I call this
my sixth toe (incidentally only one person other than the doctor has seen
this…Carolyn, who I met on the cycling/irish language holiday). I was told that
if I got the big one removed it would leave a scar and may grow again. I have
been with the dermatologist twice since then- on the 3rd visit I was
told by a new dr. the surgery would be pretty complex and my arm would be
permanently numb but “I would get used to it.” ( now, I take the verb contrary
to new levels-believe you me, I would go out of my way to make sure I would not
get used to it.) So I thought I’ll just live with it.
Fast forward to pretty recently. Some family members have
pointed to my main lump and have asked me “Is that thing getting bigger?” I
would say no-but on looking at it I wondered if they were right. I have also
noticed what I think is another one starting. This was becoming an obsession
with me and I have started seeing what I fear is other ones starting. Now I
have seen a couple of TV shows with people who have this thing much, much worse
than me. If I had children and passed this thing on to anybody I would never
forgive or be able to live with myself-so I just avoid that possibility.
My brother has a
wee girl who is just passed her 2nd birthday and she is starting to
say words I recognise. One day she grabbed my arm, pointed at my bump and said
“What’s that?” the first time I understand what she is saying is that. So that
got me thinking, maybe I SHOULD do something.
So, appointment is made with a new dermatologist. My
appointment was for 18:15 but I was not seen until 19:40. He was reading my
medical notes –and then prodded my big bump with the nib of his pen –there is
now blue pen marks on my bump. Then he grabbed it tight with his finger and thumb
and pulled it back and forward ( holy mother of God he
is going to burst this fecking thing) “That hurts “ I said. Then HE said
“You do not have neurofibromatosis, that is just a blocked up sweat
gland.”
“What?” “You do not
have neurofibromatosis, that is just a blocked up sweat gland.”
“But TWO other dermatologists have told me that is
neurofibromatosis . That has been hanging round my neck for the past 30 odd
years, and now you are telling me this?” He then said “Yes, I will book you in
to get it removed.” “But what risks are
involved?” I said “What about the numbing?” He said “No numbing-very simple
procedure, cut it out, over in 15 minute.” Pause “Then we will know what it is”
(I am wondering what the feck is going here? I want to
ask him if he is a real doctor or if he is in a hurry to get home.). “But you just TOLD me what it was” “We will
knw when we take it out” (but the other bloody doctors
KNEW almost immediately what it friggin’ was-are you even a dermatologist? Have
been given the wrong specialist?) I was in a kind of state of
bewilderment “But TWO other doctors have told me this IS neuro… and now you’re
saying you don’t know?” My bump was still a bit sore from his grab. He said
that the appointment would be in a few days time. At times I felt like I was in
one of those shows like the office and I was looking for a camera to look into
and give a puzzled look.
So now I am pondering on two/three things- do I call my own
doctor and ask for a second opinion (saying why of course)? Do I go to the
surgeon and ask him/her about the risks involved, and the risks seem too much,
I’ll say “I’ve changed my mind.” (knowing MY luck the specialist will actually
be him and he’ll be standing there with a stanely knife,a bottle of tcp and a
band-aid).
But seriously you do not know the weight this thing has been
on my mind all these years. I thought I had one on my throat, I got it
removed-turned out it was something else-maybe these things are something else
too. But if one of these things DID manage to grow somewhere I could not hide
it-I fear what I would do.But again, if I find out he’s right and it IS just a
blocked up sweatgland….I need to make up for lost time.
I could show you a photo of it-but sometimes I find it very
scary myself.
Sorry folks that was a VERY serious one-REALLY needed to get that out of my system
To end on a brighter note –we had a boring serious course at
work. There was 3 or 4 one liners that I just could not resist. At then of it a
few people came over to me laughing saying “Crumbs, you were on form today all
right” and told the others in the office what I said. Nice to see I’m good at
something.
