dark side-i think

There is a radio show called “Desert Island Discs.” The idea of it is that you are a castaway on a desert island. You are there alone and for the rest of your life. It is mostly an interview in which you sometimes find out some interesting things about the castaway. He/She picks eight pieces of music that are important to them. Not necessary just 8 pieces of music that MEAN something to them-so it’s not as easy as you think. They are also given the bible and the complete works of Shakespeare (pretty obvious this is an English show), they are allowed another book and a luxury item. The luxury item is always interesting/amusing. One person choose a football and wall to kick it up against,one person had a diy manual an another had a lifetime supply of toothbrushes and toothpaste. They are asked how they think they could manage on their own.THEN they are told a big wave comes and they must save ONE record and are told to say which record they save. I subscribe to a podcast of this show.

                    Now where is this going? You may WELL ask that. I’m NOT going to do my desert island discs. But this is my Desert Island Butterflys. Recently I have been pondering on mistakes I have made in my life and wondering how things would have turned out if I had done something else.I have been watching quite a few movies based around that theme:- “It’s A Wonderful Life,” “About Time,” “Mr Nobody” and “The Butterfly Effect.”At the time of tying this I have only seen the directors cut of the butterfly effect-and it is pretty, no- change that to VERY dark. So it may have been a mistake watching THAT one. And “Mr Nobody” was PREEETY strange most of the time.Sometimes I wonder, should I be worried about this little “obsession?” I have of the whole butterfly effect thing, and get help?

                 I’ve often wondered how things would have been if when I was a child our house was in a different estate, but that is not really relevant here. So here are 8 butterflys-and ,sacred mother of Cody Jarrett there are more.

1. I made a bigger effort to stay left handed (I mention this one quite a bit-broken record here-I was born left handed. I was forced to use my right hand before I went to school). I read/heard that when some is made to do this the left had side of the brain is working overtime as the “wrong hand” is being used. Maybe I would have not have struggled so much at school.
2. Another one I mentioned before-a couple of teachers at school convinced me that I was stupid-so with the whole self-fulfilling prophesy I believed them and just gave up trying . Did TERRIBLE at exams etc. (-what would have happened if I decided to work my nadgers off and did my best to prove them wrong)
3. My social circle is almost none existent. I feel I chose the wrong friends in life. (when I was at school I did not join the youth club. There were a number of idiotic reasons I did not do that. If I had joined the youth club I think I would have been reacquainted with some of my primary school friends-who were much better than the ones at secondary school)
4. When I had my doubts about my faith I should have brushed them to one side rather than spoke to a born again Christian friend. What happened  after doing this led to me hurting members of my family BIG time. I did one thing that I still feel very bad/guilty about, even though it happened 33 years ago. (so as I said I should just brushed those feelings of doubt to one side. And I should have spoke to my younger brother and said to HIM that things were pretty screwed up and could he introduce me to his bunch of friends as I need to get a proper life)
5. This one kind of relates to others above. I chose the wrong friends. I almost always felt I was on the outside looking in. The person who I thought was my best friend of some 40 odd years, moved to Scotland 10 years ago and told everybody EXCEPT me, at the time. I only heard through a 3^rd party, and I was laughed at, at my ignorance/shock when I heard this. But then I also previously  heard only through a 3^rd party when his father died,his daughter got married and a few others. But in saying that he got me into the cycling and planted/nutured my love for the outdoors.The group of friends I was with back then were all B.A. Christians, so we never went to pubs,discos the big rock festivals (in fact I was the only one into that sort of stuff) Never went on “wild” holidays etc
6. Taking a transfer from Belfast to Coleraine in 1980. (the office I got moved to was small and boring,internal squabbles. Belfast was bigger and better people. I should have turned it down and either stayed on or waited for a move to an office in Derry). OK Belfast was not exactly as peaceful as it is now-but still, much better work crowd-good enough to socialise with.
7. I took a career break in the 90’s and went over to London. Hated it. (but did not try hard enough looking for work.Should have tried different types of work).Wonder how things would have gone if I did not do that-or even tried harder over there.
8. Back to school again –when I should have been starting my 4^th year at the grammar school (high school people in the REAL world) the headmaster decided that I was not ready for it and wanted me to repeat 3^rd year again. he told me to speak to my parents to see what they thought. The class I was kept back in was “hell” for me. I have wondered if I was allowed to do proper move how things would have turned out.

So if the “wave” comes and I am told to pick ONE thing that I can change what would it be?  I have got it down to two –joining the youth club and/or talking to my brother during the question of faith thing. Down to one? Talking to the brother-at least there I would not be carrying a guilty conscious.

BUT at the end of the movie “Mr Nobody” Nemo says “Every path is the right path.Everything could have been anything else,and it would have just as much meaning.” And I actually wrote that down when I saw the movie.

I’ve often wondered-stars are other suns, so there are (supposedly) other universes up there? Are they parallel universes where I have made different choices??

Paul Arden in his book “Whatever you Think,Think the Opposite” said “When things go wrong it’s tempting to shift the blame.Don’t.  Accept responsibility.” So yes it IS entirely my fault, nobody to blame here but myself.

Maybe there is a me up there who is having more fun or even more miserable than this me? And another quote?

“Hello, my name is Ignigo Montano, you killed my father. Prepare to die.”